My partner won’t have sex with me, as the result of a past trauma. He is obsessed with, and terrified of, getting me pregnant, because of a past relationship. I’ve tried everything, but I am desperate. I cannot go on with him without sex. I love and want him.
There are many sexual problems that can be solved, or partly solved, simply through better communication, advice about better technique, or reassurance. But when it comes to a problem that is created primarily by trauma, direct professional advice is often necessary.
Reactions can vary from person to person. Some individuals develop strong post-traumatic reactions that mean that, thereafter, they will do anything they can to avoid a repetition of that event, or even something that reminds them of it. Sometimes the trauma is not even consciously remembered, but continues to trigger reactions that can seem mysterious to the person and others nearby.
Ideally, your partner needs to work with a qualified therapist. Now, here is the tricky bit: he may be highly resistant to this. You can offer support and gently push him to make that first appointment; but then it is up to him. Perhaps being clear about your inability to continue without having the option to make love will motivate him sufficiently. And don’t forget to analyse your own part in this; for some people the state of longing – even over long periods – is delicious and sustainable.